October 5th, 2017.
Tears pour down my face as I use this way to literally vent out and bring oxygen to myself. It has been a week and a day since I moved here. Yes, it doesn’t look like a lot of time but I do have a different connotation about time. I am a very impatient person, I want to have the control about everything in my life, leaving the good surprises to be that… surprises.
Today, I start moving in to my new place in Port Coquitlam. A beautiful apartment with a lovely woman who will be my roommate. I have started teaching a couple of Yoga classes (see my schedule) per week and I have met lovely people around and I have gotten to know where I am geographically. All of that is amazing and I am SO grateful for that! Truly I am!
So, why would I complain? What kind of right do I have to complain? Things are going smooth and in their perfect time. My inner voice, you know the “guru”, I called her guru because it’s the calm, trust worthy, grateful, wise part of my monkey mind. The other, the “wicked”, is very impatient, control freak, it doesn’t let things happen organically, it wants answers now. So, there is a constant battle in my mind, hence meditation is vital for my own balance, my own clarity. Then comes intuition which takes in consideration both parties and tries to come to an understanding. Intuition reminds me that wicked plans to come to effect require patience and time. That of course, wicked can be taken in two ways. It is a matter of perception and that I need to remind myself to be kind and to count my blessings through this journey.
All that comes after the bursting in tears and the frustration because things are not going according to my time. I forget that I do not have control over my time, it is Universe or God, whoever or whichever you believe in. Anger and frustration become so palpable and irrational too. They are my companion for today. They are my absolute reminder of what I am doing, how I am doing things and why I am doing all this. Yes, I feel frustrated and disappointed and doubtful about my capacities, the skills and the strength to keep on going forward. So, I decided to surrender in tears because its overwhelming. What is overwhelming?
Well, not only the moving to some place new, to start again; that is overwhelming and exciting. The frustration is when you hit walls and you do not have the control or the power to bring them down, the only solution is wait. The frustration grows because that is what frustration does. It starts with something and then all the different triggers in your life awaken. My heart hurts too as I am in the verge of understanding what others have understood and seen before me: that the person I love, might not love me back. In my case it is a bit more difficult than that. You see, I have been in love with the same person for over 2 years now -Voldemort- and we have been going through a lot of roller-coasters . He gave me hope and brought so much to my life when I needed the most but also because of what we lived, plenty of pain has been caused. It has been really hard to be apart but I think equally hard to be together. Now, I am in the unknown (which I think I have told you, it is not my favourite colour).
So, what do you do when your heart hurts in a way that you can’t be with the one you love for plenty of reasons? What do you do when you think you have done a lot to move on and let go but there is still residue?
I have decided to love myself more. For that, I need to cut clean and create space. I started by moving nearly 5000 kms away from his presence. Especially when he is a twin flame (if you do not know what that is, you can search for the term or read this post in elephantjournal). I created the space, now is time to clean it and that I do not know how to begin with but I have a couple of ideas. Frustration comes in big magnitude and today for me was my aching heart and the non-successful search for job.
Then, a question pops into my mind. <So, are you giving up?> and my answer is immediate, loud, powerful… NEVER.
Then, I surrender again. Another question rises: <what are you going to do?>. My answer from the intuition -after the chat she had with the guru and the wicked- is…. I am going to breathe and do something that calms me down and grounds me.
I know things will be better soon but it is hard to see soon with a smile on my face when pain is the one that rules right now.
Good night my pretties. ?