September 24th, 2017.
Contemplation. When you have the time to see through the long landscape, one where you can get yourself lost, it is like a waking meditation. Today, I drove through almost three provinces in Canada: Ontario, Manitoba, Saskatchewan.
After my morning meditation in my own little suite in Dryden and my yoga practice. I started to cook breakfast and some snacks. I had an inconvenience with the can opener and my can of tomato sauce -the struggle is real-.
Mother nature was so amazing to allow me the miracle of contemplation not only into my thoughts but into the fauna that is among us. I saw a reindeer and its herd. So magnificent! So powerful animal! Majestic. Then as I was driving I found this big fella that reminded me again to breathe and that things will happen in their own time. I sat under the rocks and closed my eyes in the middle of a gas station, started to inhale and exhale and I took everything in.
I spent most of my time in a state that I can only explain as half awake and half aware. I thought about every single thing I lived in the past five years in Ottawa, every person who touched my life and left an imprint, every single challenge and how I thought at that moment that things were really bad and I had no idea how and when I will be at peace or the nightmare was going to be over. Then, an “aha” moment happened, as I was driving through the Manitoba province, I realized I have crossed the bridge, the negative, the grey moments and the pain was getting a bit lower. The thoughts of the things that I lived and which created a deep impact in my life were… memories.
Minutes later, I started to cry as I was singing to the top of my lungs because I realized I was happy as I was doing what I dreamed of doing long time ago: a road trip by myself that will take me to my next destination. As I said good-bye to Ontario. I started to cross Canada in the awe of the unexpected and an ever so light heart, I absorbed every lesson. I saw the big picture from above (you know, those surreal moments when you see what have happened and what is happening in your life but being like an spectator). A couple of hours went by and I felt less sadden, crying definitely cleans the soul. I miss dearly my friends whom made my life so beautifully amazing as I lived a roller-coaster.
Now, I found myself to start a shift of thoughts.
I believe people come into your life with a purpose, they teach you or give you or take something from you. As I am driving I am analyzing one person in particular and the relationship that I have with him -I still have three hours until Regina-. The biggest pain in my butt, the heaviest thing in my heart and soul, the single person that has consumed me and draining me over and over again. The event that gave me so much joy and happiness but at the same time so much sorrow and pain. A romantic/friendship relationship. I allowed myself to re-live the moments we had together since we met almost three years ago. Let me tell you this, I know is it going to be a fun ride (sarcasm). So, I decided to go and dive into it. Why? Why did I willingly decide to put myself through that? Because I am creating a fresh start therefore I need to release the old. I love to keep the privacy of people hence the use of nicknames in plenty characters in my life, very few do not have nicknames like my ex-husband and Bekka (mentioned in my first blog).
I will introduce you to Voldemort. The biggest pain of my existence but one of the happiest too. He is the guy I talked about who I felt in love after my ex-husband and the guy who gave me the push to pack my bags and start driving towards my next dream goal. Why am I writing about him right now? Because that is the relationship I am giving a big thought about. There are plenty of things I don’t give a “F” about but he is one of the few that I do give a “F”.
I explored our encounters, the words, the touch, the dates, the kisses, the fights, the misunderstandings, the dreams, the nightmare, the love, the pain, everything. I realized that all the situations I lived with him are memories, memories that do not hold any resentment or attachment of any kind. Lessons that will forever be cherish in my heart and soul. However, the time that I am referring has a date. We have lived this relationship in stages. The stage I am referring to is the “roller-coaster stage”, and from that date until the present things have happened. As I arrived the thoughts have not stopped meaning that tomorrow is another day of processing and understanding; how I want to deal with this relationship and what I will be doing about it. The conclusion about the “roller-coaster stage” is the amazing growth and the deep lessons I have learned from it hence the peace I feel about it while I was diving through those memories.
Contemplation. I am taking my time -I had eight hours today- to analyze, understand and assimilate all that is happening, all that I have lived. The prairies are a great companion. You can see to the infinite landscape and the blue sky, the bright sun and at the end it is only me, myself, the road, my thoughts and my music.
I will have to make some decisions but for now I am so looking forward to have a warm meal and a comfy bed. I am in Regina!
That is it for now.
Good night my pretties.